THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE SPARKED A CONVERSATION AS TO HOW CULPABLE MEN ARE FOR ENSURING THE SAFETY OF ALL WOMEN. THE TIME TO RECOGNISE THAT RESPONSIBILITY, AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, IS RIGHT NOW.
The last few weeks have seen something of a reckoning around many countries as to how deeply-ingrained (and very real) cultures of misogyny continue to manifest in the sexual assault and harassment of women. In the UK, things came to a particularly poignant head with the suspected murder of London woman Sarah Everard — thought to have been potentially committed by a police officer, no less.
Meanwhile, Australia is still coming to terms with the rape allegations that have rocked the government to its very core. And whether these allegations prove to be true or not, it points to a culture where, even in our most hallowed halls, women rarely feel as safe as men assume they do.
And nor, really, should they, as the stats on rape and sexual assault in Australia, as they are almost everywhere else, are abhorrent. More than 70% of people have been sexually harassed. 15% of women in Australia have reported being sexually assaulted. The vast majority of these acts committed in Australia are done so by men, and almost never lead to criminal proceedings or a charge. Ultimately, one in just 10 sexual assaults will ever result in someone being convicted for their actions. Even more go completely unreported.
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The fact that remains is this: Men are almost entirely responsible for the culture of sexual assault that exists in this country — no matter how much complaining and bleating movements like the #NotAllMen posters on Twitter would like to say otherwise. Regardless of whether or not you feel culpable or even responsible, it is your non-negotiable duty as a man to help fix this. As Lucia Osbourne-Crowley, who herself has written on her experiences as a victim of rape, put it so powerfully in her Guardian piece yesterday, "We talk the talk of being anti-rape but in reality the consequences of rape are minimal or nonexistent. There has never been a better time to change that than right now."
This isn't an attempt at a guilt trip or man-shaming. Nor does it come from a place of self-loathing . As has been vainly pointed out all-too-much in recent days, good men do exist. Nobody denies that, and we suspect many are reading this piece right now. But it's also undeniable that the fear all women live with every day is entirely justified and entirely real. Even the best of intentions cannot be read immediately or at face value, but behaviour can. And women need to be given the space and immediate environment to tell for themselves.
As such, much of the online conversation in the last week or so has turned to what well-intentioned men can actually do to make women feel safe doing what they should have every right to do — simply go about their day-to-day activities by themselves.
Could my actions feel threatening?
This is a scenario that crops up almost every day, even if you may be completely unaware that a woman is even aware of your presence — for instance, if you're simply walking behind her on the way home from the train station at night.
Wherever possible, don't follow women too closely on sidewalks, parking lots or in dark areas, and instead take a moment to put some space in between you both, whether that's pausing to tie your shoe and playing around on your phone, or crossing the street. To this end, if you're crossing paths, let women stay in the path that they're walking on, and move out of their way.
Part of helping anyone feel safe is to avoid situations where it could be possible to startle them or make them feel even momentarily trapped. Try to make your presence known when you're in the proximity of a woman by herself, with a gentle greeting or similar.
Does she really want to talk to me?
The general rule of thumb here, simply, is just don't assume women in public places all want to interact with you. Cat-calling – whether up-close or from a car – is obviously out of the question. But for the most part, complimenting a stranger's physical appearance is generally not an appropriate conversation starter, however well intentioned it may be. Adhere to social cues, as well. A smile is not necessarily an invitation to talk, and if a woman is wearing headphones/earphones or reading a book, it’s a pretty clear signal that they’d rather be left alone. If you are approaching a woman for whatever reason (asking time/directions, etc), it helps to make sure she can see your hands.
How can I make women feel more comfortable?
Of course, there are scenarios where you will get to know women you previously didn't, whether you've got chatting at a bar, been introduced to them through friends, or even just started talking to them in your place of work. But there is a line. Know boundaries when talking to a woman you've just met .
You will be very aware if she wants to continue a conversation. Answering and responding politely does not mean she wants to be talking to a stranger. Also, it should go without saying, but don't mistake friendliness for flirting, especially if it’s someone serving you in a shop. They are being paid to be nice to you.
How can I be a constructive ally to women in these situations?
All of this advice also applies to the men around you, and yes, you have a responsibility to hold them accountable. Call out your mates when they're being too full-on with a woman if you think she might be uncomfortable, and if you're unsure of your own behaviour, ask, listen and learn to women who feel comfortable talking to you about it.
And importantly, you spot a woman who looks uncomfortable talking to a man, offer up your help if you can - politely and firmly ask the man to take a step back and, if you feel it's necessary, ask him to leave her alone.
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