Is it cheating if you ask for permission?
Apparently not, according to a rather husband who has approached his wife asking if she'd be OK with him sleeping with another woman. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the woman was mortified by his suggestion, but now is wondering if she's being "petty".
Posting on a relationship thread in Reddit, the user known as cnfthrowaway shared her agony and asked the internet for advice.
"Last week my husband asked if he could talk about something serious. I said yes, of course, we are always very open and honest with each other," the 38-year-old wrote. "He tells me that he has been very distracted lately looking at other women and he hopes it hasn't bothered me too much. "I have noticed him staring at younger women lately which isn't normal for him but I figured there is no harm in looking. "It's not a problem for me if he isn't obvious about it and I tell him so. He asks me to tell him if I notice it again so he can stop. I say that's not my job and tell him he can stop on his own.
"We keep talking until he blurts out that he is thinking a lot about what it might be like to have sex with someone else."
"I was his first kiss" The woman went on to reveal that while she had several partners in high school and college, she was her husband's first. "We've been monogamous and faithful ever since," she said. "He promised that was fine with that when we committed. He promised again when we got married. Now nearly 15 years later he isn't fine anymore." "I keep thinking this has to end in divorce" "He says he'd like to date and have a fling," the woman continued.
"No way. How is that fair to me or her. He offers to have a one night stand or hire an escort if it makes me more comfortable. How the f*ck is that more comfortable.
Not that type of escort!
"I'm crying constantly and I keep thinking this has to end in divorce." She said her husband even offered to legally separate and reconnect in a few months, though she wasn't keen on the idea, and when she asked him whether he really wanted this to be the cause of a divorce, he said no. "He promises he will get therapy and learn to accept he is a one woman man until he dies," she wrote.
"I'm crushed when he says this. I feel so petty. He assures me he can be fine again and asks me to just not worry about it.
He tries to joke about really wanting a yacht but he will be fine without one as well. I try to laugh for him."
"I'm angry, sad, confused" The woman confessed the past week has seen her in tears whenever she's alone and she has found herself unable to sleep next to him.
"I don't know what to do other than file for a divorce that neither of us wants," she said. "He wants my blessing to f*ck another woman before he turns 40. I'm angry, sad, confused. I love him to death but I think I need a divorce if he can't be faithful." Has he already cheated?
As always, the wise people of the internet came to the fore with all their infinite wisdom, with many suggesting her husband is more about making this happen than he's letting on. "If not already he will do soon behind her back. He was just looking for permission to do it. He wants the best of both worlds," wrote one user.
"His extreme suggestion of a separation, and then very quick backtrack, makes me even more nervous," added another. "IMO [in my opinion] he wants to pretend very quickly that this was "no big deal" so that it won't become a thing. And [she] won't become suspicious/watchful. And maybe in 6 months to a year he has a mysterious business trip." Others suggested he had actually already done the cheating and wanted an idea of her reaction.
"This same thing happened to my mum’s best friend, and it turns out he was already cheating,"
"He suggested an open relationship as a way to soften her up to the idea. I think you should be open to the possibility that he may have already done the deed and was using this as a way to gauge your reaction."
Another agreed, stating: "I did think this, because it's something cheaters often do. They think if they get permission it somehow applies retroactively so they can stop feeling guilty."
At least he was being honest
Others were kinder to the husband, assuming he hadn't already cheated and praised him for discussing his feelings with his wife honestly. "You have every right to feel distraught, but I think your husband was honest in that he has other sexually (sic) needs." wrote one person.
Someone is not happy
"You need to work through it with him," said the perhaps not-so-ideally-named Devious Dan. "He communicated how he was feeling and the issue to you, instead of cheating. He has done nothing except hurt your feelings, by being honest and truthful. I'd rather my feelings hurt a hundred times over than be cheated on ever again."
And this: "Your husband doesn't want to hurt you. He wants help with feelings that he isn't completely able to control. It's not about you--he'd be feeling this way with any woman with the same history. The amount of open honesty in this relationship is really refreshing, as sorry as I am that you are going through it."
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