As an empowered woman, I will not feel guilty about watching porn and I will continue to do so.
Introduced to porn by a previous partner, *Kristy is completely confident in her ongoing recreational use of porn. So, there was nothing more confusing than when her new partner chose to end their relationship because she watched it.
I have watched pornography for years, mostly via online videos. I was introduced to it over a decade ago with a previous partner and we would often watch it together as pre-foreplay (if that’s a thing), just something to get us in the mood and aroused.
We didn’t rely on this, nor use it every time, it was one of the tools in our sex tool kit that sometimes we would bring out and use for added pleasure.
From the beginning I always insisted on accessing ethical porn. As a feminist and a woman, the idea of utilising pornography that isn’t completely consensual, ethical or safe for those involved doesn’t sit right with me and frankly isn’t pleasurable for me either. This was always a must and something I would insist on with each partner I have used porn with.
From a personal perspective, I have found my experience with porn really beneficial in my sexual growth because it was as if it opened me up into a new realm. I am able to explore fantasies in a safe way; I can experience new sexual positions and experiences which I learn from the videos, ones which I wouldn’t have necessarily been aware of otherwise and ones which also inspire me to try some of them myself.
The biggest benefit though is that it allows me to reach a heightened state of arousal before sex, because of this, it makes the actual sex incredible, more incredible than it has ever been before.
As a feminist and a woman, the idea of utilising pornography that isn’t completely consensual, ethical or safe for those involved doesn’t sit right with me.
Watching it allows me to reach an orgasm more reliably. I can get out of my head and the orgasms are always far more intense and satisfying than if I didn’t consume porn beforehand. But again, I don’t need to use it, it is just an option that is there when I want. For the majority of my relationships my porn use has never been an issue. I think because watching porn has never made me reliant upon it when I was with a partner and most of the people, I dated were open to it, or already watched it themselves so it was very much welcomed.
In fact, most partners were extremely excited to hear that I enjoyed porn and would jump at the chance for us to use it together.
This was up until my last relationship when porn became the biggest issue within it, in fact it is the sole reason we broke up.
A few months ago, after three months of dating, my partner, *Will walked into the bedroom to discover me watching porn on my tablet.
While the topic of porn had never come up between us at this point in our relationship, it wasn’t something that I was hiding or ashamed of, it was just a subject matter I had planned to raise a bit later, or when the timing seemed right, the way I had always done it. On this occasion though, I was home alone and was using porn to self pleasure.
Will, who was due to arrive an hour later let himself in and found me unexpectedly ‘in the act’ if you will.
His face in seeing this was absolute disgust. I had never seen anything quite like it. “You’re watching porn?” he asked me accusingly.
While it was clear I didn’t need to provide an answer I did anyway, replying:
“Yeah,” with a laugh because I was confused and caught off guard, yet unashamed of what I was doing.
He walked out of the bedroom and waited for me on the couch in the living room. When I came out, he told me that:
“Women using pornography was appalling and it shouldn’t happen.” He continued, with the nail in the coffin, “I just can’t be with someone like you.”
Then he left. At the time I was dumbfounded and unfortunately couldn’t offer any sort of reply. I thought perhaps it was some sort of joke. I tried calling him again and again and I sent him many texts in the weeks following, but he never replied.
Once the realisation that he was really gone had sunk in I started to get quite angry. I just couldn’t fathom that in 2021 a woman could be judged for using porn but not only judged, completely disregarded as if I wasn’t even worthy of talking to because of it.
I know that many people find the idea of porn controversial in many respects, I do too, but not even being afforded the chance to discuss my choice, my right to use ethical porn before
being judged so openly and tossed aside, to me, that is far worse than anything I have done.
As an empowered woman, I will not feel guilty about watching porn and I will continue to do so regardless of what Will or anyone who shares these views thinks.
*Name has been changed to protect the subject’s privacy.
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