Sexologist MisJif explores the ins and the outs of having a threesome.
Have you ever fantasised about or even experienced a threesome? Perhaps it is of the same sex or mixed gender (MMF/FFM or the variations of this)? Moving from fantasy to reality can be a sticky topic for many people to begin the conversation with their partner. The desire for adding an extra can be as simple as lust, or as complex as a couple trying to find new ways of spicing up their sex lives and all the reasons in between.
In Pornhub’s annual Year in Review 2019, it found that the category of threesomes was fifth in the search ratings of Australian porn watchers, up from 13th in 2018. So it appears that perhaps threesomes are gaining popularity within Australia (well, at least among Porn Hub users).
So the question is – are Australian people fantasising about threesomes more often, or are they hiding their fantasies less? Is it men or women who have this fantasy more often and are they fantasising about same sex or mixed gender? Sadly, these statistics are hard to come by, but for those of you who are curious … you can be reassured, you are not alone!
While the idea of threesomes seems to be gaining popularity and acceptance in today’s modern society, it is easy to think that the ménage a trois is a relatively new thing. The truth is, the concept of one is good, two is better and three is delicious has been around for centuries.
Three's company?
Threesomes are included in the Kama Sutra writings; the walls of the baths in Pompeii were adorned with all manner of sexual activities, including a depiction of two bisexual man and a woman and a 13th Century Indian Temple has carvings of group sex orgies.
Three in the bed has been the pastime of some of history’s most famous people. It has been thought, but never proven that Queen Elizabeth I was the third component in a love triangle between her stepmother Catherine Parr and her 4th husband Thomas Seymour.
Mary Godwin, the author of Frankenstein eloped at the age of 16 with poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, the couple being later linked with Clair Clairmont and later with her lover Lord Byron.
But how exactly does a threesome work? I mean, we have three sets of everything, which means there should be plenty of flesh, sweat and sex and so three times the fun right? Not necessarily.
If you are looking at having a threesome for the first time, my advice is don’t (solely) use porn as a launching pad for what actually happens. For starters, generally in porn, you’ll hear a few arse slaps and a bit of moaning and groaning, but the real-life experience is full of sounds, sights and smells that you don’t anticipate. If you are a couple, share our fantasy and set limits on the play. Will there be penetration? Will there be kissing? Are you planning to welcome the third person into your home? Should you meet at a hotel? What planning and preparation then needs to happen?
Let’s assume you are a couple and have gone on a dating site or club scene and have gone through the process of finding that third person. Now what?In choosing that third person or even when considering being that third person, try to ensure that there is an all-round attraction. Just because you are attracted to each other as a couple it doesn’t mean you have the same taste when it comes to a new partner you will share. Don’t have an awkward or unsatisfying experience because of this. If your partner is going to take one for the team, remember the favour can be called in at anytime!
Another consideration is that many monogamous couples engage in unprotected sex, but from a health point of view – think STI safety! Regardless of the mix of genders, use a dental dam, use a condom (female and/or male), change them when changing partners and in between types of penetration. Sure, this may break the momentum, but will help keep you safe from STIs and/or pregnancy and will help to give you piece of mind. Do you really want something in you that’s just been in someone else? The same thoughts could be said for fingers and hands.
Communication is everything In fact clear communication is king! Lay down the ground rules BEFORE you start, make sure everyone is on the same page, get consent, and make sure everyone is aware of each other’s limits and no go areas, if you have them. Make sure that everyone understands the needs and desires. Have a safe word and always remember that no means no. Consent at all times.
For the first timers, it can be tricky to figure out which bits should go where and when. Coordination and timing can be tricky and awkward. And at times one person can be left out of the action. Sit back and enjoy the view when this happens! It’s important to remember not to pair up or leave the third person on their own – that defeats the purpose, and makes them very uncomfortable. So be aware of what’s going on within your play. Be thoughtful. And treat this person as your guest. Most importantly – have fun!
Just to note: if you have been experiencing relationship issues or mismatched sex drives a threesome will more than likely compound these issues rather than resolve them . You will still have the same problems after your experience and possibly a lot more.
For more about how I can help you overcome shyness, flirt successfully or overcome feelings of taboo; for more information about how to explore the world of three, please contact me here
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