Chances are you’ve seen the words Big Dick Energy (or BDE as it’s been abbreviated) all over your Twitter and Instagram feeds of late. The phrase, coined by a Twitter user, describes the quiet confidence one might have from having an enormous penis, but to be clear, it doesn’t mean you necessarily have a big dick, more that you possess the air of confidence and swagger of someone who might.
Still, it proves a point about just how glorified and revered a big dick is. And how having a smaller package can often come with a sense of shame and insecurity for the less well endowed. It’s the subject of men’s locker room jibing, and the one insult a woman knows will instantly wound her ex. But does size actually matter when it comes to sexual satisfaction or can a smaller peen do the job just as adequately?
For Erica*, 26, a smaller dick took some getting used to when she started seeing her ex. “I waited about a month to have sex with Eoin* and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t initially disappointed with his size. Even erect he wasn’t massive and the first night we did it, it kept slipping out. We kept going but I just couldn’t really feel anything, and eventually he came and I didn’t. We split three months later and though sexual chemistry wasn’t the main reason, I do think it was a part of it. Honestly, we probably both could have worked harder at making it better.”
Wanting to get the expert scoop I put the ‘Does Size Actually Matter?’ question to sex therapist Vanessa Marin (vmtherapy.com). “Whenever I get this question, I first like to point out that a man’s worth is determined by more than the size of his penis,” she tells me. “Penis size matters, but not to the extent that most people think it does. It’s less about the man’s specific size and more about how he fits with each particular partner,” she clarifies.
In fact, she says due to the setup of female genital anatomy, "a penis that’s on the smaller side should be able to do the job just as sufficiently as one that could have its own postcode,"
Vanessa points out. “It’s important to keep in mind that intercourse isn’t the most pleasurable sexual activity for a woman. We don’t have many nerve endings in our vaginas, and the ones we do have are clustered near the opening of the vagina, not the deepest part, so a man doesn’t have to be very big to create pleasurable sensations,” she points. “Most women tend to enjoy a sense of fullness, which comes from girth. That seems to be more important than overall length.”
The trick, Vanessa says, is finding the right sex positions for your bodies. “Slippage can sometimes be an issue, so sex positions that favour tight fits are best. Doggy style can be a good option.” So too can modified missionary, where your guy scoots up a couple of inches before penetrating you and uses a rocking motion instead of thrusts, and girl on top. And if he’s very big? “Sometimes this can be painful for women, but again it comes down to position,” says Vanessa. “You want to find positions where he can’t get in as deep. Side-by-side positions work well. Go slow and use lots of lube too!”
Surely, I ask Vanessa, its ultimately about the emotional, physical and sexual connection, rather than the size of a certain part of anatomy that matters anyway? And couples can still work through these issues to find what works for them regardless?
“Absolutely,” she says. “Just about every man I’ve ever worked with has mentioned insecurities about his size, but I haven’t ever heard a size complaint from a female client. Sex is about so much more than the size of our body parts.” I guess, as the saying goes, it’s not the size of the boat, but how it’s captained that matters.
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