What a Son Needs From His Dad

Examining what the research tells us.

An upstanding, law-abiding example

Like many other behaviors, when it comes to illegal activity, the apple doesn't seem to fall too far from the tree. According to longitudinal research on thousands of fathers and their sons, men who break the law are far more likely to have fathers who also broke the law. For sons of law-abiding fathers, only 4% were found to be convicted of more than one delinquent act. In contrast, for sons of law-breaking fathers, about 40% committed more than one delinquent act.

The authors of this study are careful to caution that a wide variety of socio-cultural factors play an environmental role in increasing or decreasing the likelihood of delinquent behavior. After all, about half of the sons of fathers convicted of criminal offenses were never convicted of a crime themselves. Thus, fathers' examples do not necessarily dictate sons' behavior, but there is a correlation.

"The Talk"

Of course, any trusted adult feasibly could provide "The Talk" to boys of an appropriate age, but research shows that for boys with a father in the home, this conversation is typically facilitated by the father . However, it's unfortunate that fathers report a significantly lower sense of self-efficacy when it comes to having conversations with their children about sex.

Researchers fear that this insecurity about their ability to communicate with their son about sex will naturally limit the amount of information and guidance that the father provides. In fact, evidence suggests that parents feel less competent in explaining to their son how to say "no" to sex.

Surely, we can all agree that children and adults of any gender should receive the clear message: you can say "no" to unwanted sexual activity.

Although mom could, of course, have conversations about sex with her son, dads typically take the reins in heterosexual two-parent households [2]. Dads: be bold! Have "The Talk" and try not to view it as a "once and done" conversation. Instead, keep the dialogue open and make sure your son feels safe learning from and consulting with you when it comes to sexual matters.

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Parental monitoring, communication, and involvement

To be fair, basic parenting skills competence is going to be a positive factor in a child's life regardless of their or their parent(s) gender. But the reason I included this "need" is because I found an interesting, recent (2020) study focusing on the efficacy of a parent-training program for nonresident (meaning they do not live with their son), African American fathers and their 8 to 12-year-old sons [5]. This is rare in parenting research because it explores an important niche where typical studies (which often sample white, middle-class, resident mothers) fall short. Researchers found that, even for these fathers who did not live with their son, parent training improved sons' perceptions of their father's parenting competence and increased sons' intentions to avoid violence in the future. Dads can be an important part of a coparenting team – even if they're not living in the same home as their child!

Time

It's been well-established that positive parenting behaviors and tactics are protective factors for kids against the onset of externalizing (e.g., disobedience, aggression, etc.) and internalizing (e.g., anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders) symptoms for children of all ages.

In a recent study [4] examining these protective factors, married fathers who reported frequently shopping, playing a sport, going to entertainment events, playing games, cooking, and/or watching television with their children were more likely to have children who did not exhibit externalizing or internalizing symptoms. Interestingly, the effect a father's time spent with his child has on protecting against these symptoms is more powerful for sons than daughters, although it remains present regardless of the child's gender.

Warmth, affection, and tenderness

I hope I don't need to try too hard to convince dads to show warmth and tenderness to their sons. But in case you needed extra motivation, here's a fascinating empirical finding: children of dads who treated them affectionately as an infant scored significantly higher on standardized measures of cognitive ability (measured by reading and math skills) at age 4. Researchers studied a sample of African American, Hispanic, and Caucasian participants, and the finding remained true regardless of ethnicity.

New dads: if your baby son's cuteness wasn't enough, here's another reason to give him cuddles. In fact, dad's frequency of kissing and hugging his son at two years old was one of the factors loading onto the construct of "warmth" that positively predicted son's reading and math scores!

Daniel Flint, M.A., studies the psychology of family relationships and works with parents to tackle their kids’ behavioral difficulties.