Marriage has never been for me, at least, not yet.
When I was in my early twenties and everyone around me was getting engaged and married, my friends would hassle me about my determinedly single status.
Now, twenty years later, a lot of those same friends are getting divorced.
It's the 'new normal'.
The average length of a marriage in Australia is 12 years, according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS). If you factor in dating, courting and engagement, these relationships are lasting anywhere from 14-20 years.
In my friendships circles, 14 seems to be the magic number. At least three good friends have split with their partners at the 14-year mark.
When debriefing with my newly-divorced female friends, there was one sentence that kept reappearing when asked why their marriages failed, and it went something like this:
'He's a great father, but a lousy husband.'
Another female friend - who is still married - admitted to me that she is unhappy and lonely as her husband is at work a lot, leaving her at home with three small children.
When I asked her why she married him, she admitted that he seemed like he was going to make a great father.
Science says none of this is coincidence, for very important reasons.
The female evolutionary mind is wired to find a male that will provide healthy offspring. Women on the other hand are chosen for their ability to give birth raise young successfully.
Of course, there are exceptions to both, but when you strip away all of the ideas of 'the one' and 'true love' and 'finding your other half', the first marriage for mostly for producing children. 14-years into the process, many Australian couples choose to split, you know, once the job is done.
In prehistoric times, when we were still living in caves, females were attracted to the biggest and strongest male of the tribe, the ones who had a better chance of killing a woolly mammoth for dinner, a man who could protect his offspring from a saber tooth tiger, a man who could provide for his wife and children. In a nutshell, it's survival of the fittest.
If this has happened to you, don't feel bad.
Evolutionary scientists says the innate need to reproduce overrides our ability to choose a mate based on common interests, friendship and attraction. Rather women are hard-wired to look for a good provider for your yet-to-be-born children.
A child does not technically become an adult until 18. However in most tribes children are initiated into adulthood anywhere between 12-16 years old.
Think about your own childhood.
Around the age of 13-14 you started showing some independence, you started riding your bike unsupervised, you started staying overnight at friends' houses or you may have even started your first job.
So you reach the 12-20 year mark, your kids are teenagers and you look at your partner and think, 'Who are you? I don't even like you! Sure you helped me bring some little people into the world and you're a great father/mother, but apart from our kids, we don't really have much in common.'
Some couples figure out how to reconnect, to become the partner their spouse needs for the long haul. Others swallow their unhappiness and distract themselves with the demands of everyday life. As statistics show, all too often the couple realises that 14 years in, they have little keeping them together.
A study by the University of Texas found that out of 18 possible characteristics, men said they were looking for:
Looks;
Physical attractiveness;
Youth.
Women said they were looking for:
Looks;
Status;
Money.
No matter your perspective, it always comes down to men having a tendency to look for partners who are younger and more physically attractive, while women look for partners who are older and more financially stable.
According to the study, "Because women bear the cost of pregnancy and lactation, they often face the adaptive problem of acquiring resources to produce and support offspring, while men faced adaptive problems of identifying fertile partners, and sought cues to fertility and future reproductive value."
The conclusion I have reached has been of comfort to my many, divorcing friends.
I tell them, "Your first marriage is for the kids, and your second marriage is for you."
Divorce is not a failure. It is just a natural progression after you have made your contribution to the continuation of the species.
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